by Pat Cashman

I was ushered into the manager’s office quickly. The round conference table was absent of anything except a single box of Kleenex. I assumed it was there to dab potential tears. Or blood.

My firing happened quickly after a preamble about how much they liked working with me, how painful it was to let me go---and how well I was taking the news.

As I rose to leave, the manager offered one final thought. “Let me tell you something,” he said. “I got let go from a job a few years ago too---and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

He may have meant well, but I was glad I didn’t have a concealed weapon. After all, getting fired can’t possibly be the best thing that could happen in someone’s life. I mean, is getting fired really better than a first kiss---getting married---the birth of your kids---or winning at pull-tabs?

Isn’t getting pink-slipped actually more comparable to getting hit square in the head with a garden rake? (On sale this week at Home Depot.) Or maybe getting hit somewhere well south of the head---but north of the kneecaps? Yea. That’s what getting fired feels like.

However if you like getting hit with a shovel in that precise spot, getting fired can be incredibly pleasurable.

The actual word ‘fired’ is almost never used in today’s workplace parlance. You’re more likely to hear: “We’re moving in a new direction.”

“Oh,” you may say. “And what direction is that?”

The company would then reply, “The opposite one from where you’re going.”

Another substitute for ‘fired’ is ‘out-placed.’ Loosely translated it means ‘to be placed out’---sort of like the cat. And it sounds kinder and gentler than ‘out-thrown’, ‘out-tossed’ and ‘out-hurled.’

‘Dismissed’ is rather nice too---except it doesn’t sound final enough. ‘Dismissed’ suggests that you’ve just been fired for the rest of the day, but will be back tomorrow.

Managers these days are encouraged to avoid using the following words and expressions: Can, sack, 86, exile, drum-out, unload, cashier, bounce, chuck, boot and ax.

‘Dumped’ is generally frowned upon too, along with ‘exterminate’, ‘purge’, ‘disgorge’ and ‘do away with.’

And by all means avoid the word ‘discharge.’ Just do.

Since Donald Trump has been fired from The Apprentice, the show is going to have to struggle on without him. But certainly the highlight of each week’s show came when ‘The Donald’ pointed his finger and told a hapless would-be employee: “You’re fired!” And he always said it with relish---along with several other condiments.

It’s bad enough to be fired on national TV, but it’s even worse when it’s coming from a
guy that appears to have an orange, fuzzy toilet seat cover sitting on his head.

As a kid, I remember watching the cartoon show “The Jetsons”---where George Jetson
would get jettisoned at least once an episode. His boss, Mr. Spacely, would sputter: “Jetson! You’re fiiiirrrrreeeeddddd!”---as the spittle showered out along with the words.

The show was supposed to be set in the far future, but if it were present day, Jetson would not only be given compensation for workplace harassment, humiliation and mental cruelty---but Mr. Spacely would be sent off for sensitivity training.

After all, no matter the circumstances, a firing should never seem to be done gleefully. The person doing the nasty work should always connote deep regret---and word things artfully:

TO: Staff
FROM: Marv
RE: Milton Blankenhorn
One of the most difficult aspects of our business is making changes so that our company can be more competitive. Today, we have made such changes. We will no longer be enlisting the services of Milton Blankenhorn.
I know I speak for the entire company when I say how much we’ll miss Milton around here. Well, maybe not the entire company---but some of it.
Believe me, it is not an easy decision letting Milton go. Yesterday I was so bereft, I walked off the golf course after playing only 12 holes.
I haven’t shown it around the office much, but privately I have spent many hours crying. Not that real hard crying like when your dog dies, but the quieter whimpering type of crying. Still, it was crying nonetheless. I agonized over whether I was making the right decision. But in the end---through my tears---I decided I absolutely was.
Milton’s official last day will be in two weeks. Until then, let’s all try to act normally around him, as uncomfortable as that will be.
On a happier note, the nacho bar is being brought back to the cafeteria. Our employees have spoken---and we have listened.
Sincerely, Marv

Come to think of it avoid the word ‘discharge’ too. Just do.

pat@patcashman.com
Pat can be seen on a brand new sketch show “Up Late NW” airing Saturdays on KING 5 and throughout Washington and Oregon. He also co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: Peculiarpodcast.com