If Ever I Would Diet

If ever I would diet

It wouldn’t be in summer.

Seeing Strawberry Festival shortcake,

Fourth of July potato salad,

peanuts and Cracker Jacks at the Mariners games,

grilled steaks and cheeseburgers on the outdoor barbecue,

B-Scoop ice cream cones

And frosty beer

that puts gold to shame!

But if I’d ever diet,

It couldn’t be in autumn.

How I’d diet in autumn with cherry pie ala mode,

Anthony’s Blackberry Cobbler,

Steaming apple cider during cold football games,

Labor Day picnics,

and Halloween treats

I never will know.

And could I diet on a wintry evening

with Thanksgiving fixings,

Christmas cookies,

New Year’s Eve champagne,

Super Bowl pizza,

Valentine candy,

And after-ski hot drinks

When I catch the fire’s glow?

If ever I would diet,

How could it be in spring-time?

Knowing how in spring I’m bewitched by

St. Paddy’s lamb stew,

Farmers Market fruits,

Easter glazed ham and chocolate bunnies.

Oh, no! not in spring-time!

Summer, winter or fall!

No, never would I diet at all!

(With apologies to Lerner and Loew, and Dr. Atkins.)

Eric Mathison can be reached at hteditor@robinsonnews.com or 206.388-1855.