In light of the recent reportage of record oil profits for Exxon/Mobil and Shell Oil, executives have admitted that while they have made obscene amounts of money, it is because they must do their very best to fulfill the energy requirements of American citizens, and that it is expensive to do so. To make up for pocketing such huge scads of money, a new consortium of these executives, called 'The Oil Administration Does Sympathize' (TOADS) has released their Top Ten Little Known Tips for Saving Fuel.

1) Pack Dirt Around Your Air Cleaner: This constricts the flow of air, forcing your engine to really squeeze every ounce of energy out of the gas that's in there.

2) Get Rid of Your Tires: Forget about proper inflation. Those soft, balloony things aren't very efficient at transferring the momentum from the engine to the ground. Steel rims on pavement are much more direct. Wrap some duct tape around them to make them quieter.

3) A Warm Engine is a Happy Engine: In fact, a really hot engine burns fuel much more completely. Try to make as many trips to the store as possible. Always leave your motor running while you're at work and rev the engine whenever you're at a stoplight.

4) Change Your Oil Every Week: And don't bother with going to the Spiffy Lube. Just buy it in huge quantities at Costco. Be sure to dump your used oil on the ground, that's where it came from originally and this will speed up the recycling rate and make it easier when Exxon has to pump it back up again.

5) Drive as Fast as Possible: Why sit in traffic wasting precious commodity? Hit the skinny pedal and use the shoulder when some other un-enlighted driver is in front of you. At 60 mph your mileage is only half of what it could be at 120. Also, you get to where you're going that much quicker- bonus!

6) Make 'Jack-Rabbit' stops and starts: Really stepping on the pedals when you leave a traffic light or come to stop sign reduces the amount of time you are out driving around. A zillion Jack Rabbits can't be wrong.

7) Turn Up The Air: Contrary to popular belief, your air conditioner actually saves you fuel when it's on ultra high. Open the windows and crank it up. This helps with global warming too.

8) Use Your Cruise Control: Maintaining a steady speed is easier if you use your cruise control. Don't have cruise control? Then just saw off part of an old broom handle. Make it just long enough to wedge between the seat and the gas pedal and you're all set.

9) Buy One Of Those Things On TV: Watch late night TV until you see an ad for one of those round 'Tornado' things that takes the place of your air cleaner filter. If nothing else, it will at least make you feel like you're saving gas, and that's worth every penny.

10) Little Cars vs. SUVs: Don't trade in your big V8 for a little hybrid, tin can. Buy one outright instead. You can put it the back of your Cadillac Escapade and when the Caddy sputters out of fuel, just jump in the little car and away you go.

Note: In reality, none of the above suggestions is very smart or advisable, but neither is paying $3.20 for a gallon of gas. To look at the numbers is appalling: Exxon CEO Lee Raymond's retirement package exceeded $400 million dollars and the company still reported a net income profit for 2006 of 36 billion dollars. All of this in addition to the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill monetary judgment still $4.5 billion shy of payment with local fish stocks still in question of rebounding.

And there have been some interesting ideas floating around that sound like they have merit, but run out of steam as well. Some smarty suggested that people might boycott one brand of gas station completely (Exxon/Mobil) for as long as it takes, until that company lowers the price of their fuel, starting a price war. This turns out to be a bad idea because gas companies and retailers routinely sell gas to each other as the lowest price and highest potential profit margin is the bottom line.

They win, we lose.

The only real foolproof way around the petroleum monopoly is to not buy any motor fuel at all, of course this means a serious lifestyle change. Mass transit, carpooling, bicycles, telecommuting are all fine ideas, but the law of supply and demand is real and it seems that as long as people continue to commute via automobile, we will continue to pay for it at the pump.