By Patrick Cashman

I helped a friend and his wife load their stuff into a big U-Haul yesterday. It was like loading mackerel into a sardine can, but we managed.

The friends were moving to southern California. Some people think a move from this part of the world to that part is sort of like trading a gentle scalp massage for a whack on the head with a garden rake. But it is not that bad. A small shovel maybe.

The good news is that the loading of the furniture, appliances, clothing etc. went really well. Nothing was broken, scuffed, soiled, defaced, warped, squashed or wrinkled. Nobody either. The move went as smooth as shuffleboard. Mostly.

Sure, there may be a world of horrors awaiting that couple when they finally roll up that U-Haul door a thousand miles from now. But by then, I am not responsible. Like they say in the TV transmission business: “Everything looked fine when it left this end.” They also say that in the meat grinding business.

Every day in this country, there are hundreds and hundreds of such moves---where good friends are helped by better friends to load or unload their possessions. It can also be one of the most harrowing tests of any friendship. After all, I read a statistic one time that moving is one of the most stressful of life experiences---right behind divorce, losing a job and getting a bikini wax. And the same holds true for women.

As I watched my friends pull out of the driveway to begin their “Adventure in Moving”, I heard a mournful cat-like wail coming from the cab. Perhaps the wail sounded cat-like because it was coming from a cat---theirs---wailing at the top of its lungs from within its carrier: “ME-OW! ME-OW! ME-OW!” In cat language that translates to: “Let ME-OUT! Let ME-OUT! Let ME-OUT!” The cat’s owners figured the feline would quiet down by the time they reached Redding.

Since I have helped dozens of friends move over the years---and been the recipient of such kindness on other occasions, let me pass along a few basic, hard-learned tips: Sometimes, people wishing to cajole their friends into helping them move will say:

“We’ll supply plenty of beer.” Big mistake. The last thing you need is a staggering, beer-soaked guy trying to carry a box of your best crystal up a wobbly van ramp. So never offer the beer at the starting gate. Save it for the finish line. If you are helping friends move, never--- ever--- make a negative comment about any of their possessions. You will only hurt their feelings. No matter what you may privately think, say only nice things out loud: “A bean-bag chair like this never goes out of style, Gretchen.” Or, “I can’t believe this isn’t an actual Red Skelton clown painting----it looks that good.” And, “This sure a nice shrunken head collection, Carl.” After an object has been placed into the moving van, NEVER say: “Well, that baby (object) isn’t going anywhere (is securely in place).” That remark is a guarantee that not only WILL that baby go somewhere --- but it will probably fall over and break three other babies as soon as the van pulls out. Put the things you will want to get at FIRST (upon arrival at the final destination)---into the van LAST. In other words: Your TV set, dishware and clean underwear.

As for those friends heading to California, I got a call yesterday. They have been traveling for three days. They are doing just fine, but frankly are not making very good time. They called from just outside of Vancouver.

British Columbia.

They had the map upside-down.

At their current pace, they figure to arrive in L.A. by mid-March.

And the cat’s really gonna need a throat lozenge. pat@patcashman.com Pat can be seen on the sketch TV show “Up Late NW” airing Saturdays following SNL on KING 5---and again Sunday at 11:35pm. Plus many other stations in Washington and Oregon. He also co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: Peculiarpodcast.com