By Pat Cashman

Here is a headline for you: A NEW STUDY HAS COME OUT!

Now that you have been thoroughly startled, let me give you the stunning details.

Actually this is not a new study---but I newly stumbled across it. Experts in Britain say they have identified six common sleep positions and what they mean. The study was a yawner to conduct---but the results are interesting. They are also a bit incomplete. It fails to include man’s favorite sleep position: La-Z-Boy.
Nor does the study mention anything about people who walk in their sleep. My younger brother Sean used to crawl out of his crib---late at night---and start ambling around the house completely asleep. Once, he was discovered---illuminated by a street lamp---walking down the road. Good thing he did not have the car keys that night.

After that, the folks decided to ensure that baby Sean stayed in his crib at night---and fashioned a hard cover that went over the top of his little bed. It worked well enough---but Sean felt and looked like a caged monkey. It did not help they’d put in a tire swing.

As he grew up, Sean stopped sleepwalking. But he did fall asleep while walking. He also once claimed that he downed six martinis---and then passed out so completely he slept through an earthquake. He was shaken, not stirred.

Getting back to that British study: The most popular sleep position identified by those experts is “Crouched in the Fetal Position.” This is the position that stock market investors sleep in. Actually, experts say that fetal sleepers tend to be “shy and sensitive.” The people seen on Jerry Springer are not fetal sleepers.

Another theory is that the fetal position provides comfort to certain people---perhaps bringing them back to the feelings of protection and security in the womb. Those people can sometimes be found sleeping at Laundromats---inside washing machines.

The study says that 51% of us prefer the “Crouched in the Fetal Position” position. Prefer? How do we know what we prefer? We are asleep. Besides, mysterious things happen during sleep. You might prefer to sleep in a standing position---but as soon as you doze off, your body does what it prefers.

Me? I prefer to wake up in the morning with my hair looking exactly the same as it did when I went to bed. I would also prefer to awaken with minty fresh breath. But instead, my hair always looks like I spent the night in a wind tunnel---and the breath could drop a buzzard from the sky.

The next most common sleep position is “The Soldier”---flat on the back with arms at the sides. The experts say those kind tend to be “quiet and reserved.” That is also pretty much a definition of what happens to everybody when asleep.

Next most popular sleeping style? “The Log”, as in “I slept like.” Log sleepers lie on their side with legs outstretched and arms down---said to indicate a “social, easy-going personality.” The only problem with being a log-type is that over time, dry-rot starts to set in---along with wood beetles and ants. (Although it can be excellent for growing mushrooms.)

The so-called “Yearner” position is when the sleeper lies with arms outstretched. The sleep experts say it indicates someone who is “suspicious.” The next-door neighbor sleeps in that position, but I would not call him suspicious. A person of interest, yes. (Incidentally, a wide-awake person with arms outstretched---and into your pockets---is called a “time-share salesman.”)

The fifth style of sleeping is called the “Freefall.” It is lying flat on the stomach with hands at the side of the head. Supposedly it is the favored position of someone who is “brash and gregarious.” It is also the favored position of someone who is weird.

And finally, the least common sleep position: “The Starfish.” Picture someone lying on their back with outstretched arms and legs. The researchers say this position indicates a person who is “rather unassuming.”
It may also indicate a person who has “assumed room temperature---and is “rather deceased.”

So sleep well tonight.

pat@patcashman.com
Pat was a longtime cast member and writer on KING 5’s Almost Live---which continues to air in popular re-runs Saturdays following Saturday Night Live. He is a keynote speaker---and a fundraiser auctioneer---plus he co-hosts a weekly on-line talk show: Peculiarpodcast.com